When to celebrate? When to grieve?
Today, Tuesday January 28th is my beautiful daughter Tamara’s anniversary of her death 27 years ago. Seems like just yesterday I held her lifeless body and I can still recall all that happened during the year leading to her death.
However, life moves on and this time last week I was busy and happily shopping for decorations for my youngest daughter’s upcoming engagement party. I knew deep down in the core of my being, my cellular memory, would be recalling all the events leading up to Tamara’s death but I strive to live in the present as I know I can not change the past.
The distraction of shopping and thinking of creative ideas for the engagement party was a good challenge. The person I presented to the public was one of a happy and excited Mum, I truly am. (Those who have known grief may refer to this as the mask we wear at times.)
My point is that as much as I miss and would so love to have had the privilege of preparing Tamara’s wedding, I accepted a long time ago that I never would see her grow into a woman, marry, have children or a career or follow her dreams.
So I feel extremely fortunate to be able to experience this upcoming wedding of my youngest by sharing in the joy and excitement she is experiencing right now.
This is her time and she will have my attention and unconditional love and support whenever I can be of assistance.
Tamara is with us in spirit, celebrating with us and wishing nothing but the very best for her little sister.
Today although I grieve and honour Tamara I will also celebrate the gift of her life. I know I will express that aching emptiness in my heart through my gut wrenching tears for her loss and unnecessary suffering of several months. Mingled with this sadness is the joy that I was blessed with my Tamara for those short eight years and was able to create memories.
(Memories that many other grieving parents never have a chance to experience.)
The world around you continues on after you have lost a loved one and only you can chose how you move with the flow. I trust I have moved forward and will continue to do so in honour of Tamara by reaching out to help others.
Life moulds us through our experiences of great sadness and extreme joy.